If you really like to keep your space neat and tidy, but you have a spouse or partner who’s messy, that can sometimes cause conflict (see Part 1 and Part 2 of this discussion here). Fortunately there are some ways you can learn to live with a messy partner without losing your mind. Then both of you can have a space you’re happy with, get along well, and reduce conflicts related to clutter. Here are a few of the biggest things to consider when you and your partner’s definitions of “clean” just aren’t the same.
1. Be Specific About What You Need
Make sure you explain to your partner the kind of help and support you’re looking for. Just telling them to clean up their mess isn’t going to go over very well. It could lead to a fight, but it also might just be confusing for a partner who isn’t clear on what, specifically, needs to be cleaned up and why. If you ask for the laundry to be put in the hamper instead of on the floor, for example, that’s specific. You might ask your partner to put the dishes in the dishwasher, instead of in the sink. Then that gives your partner a clearer picture of the things that are important to you when it comes to reducing any mess or clutter in your home.
2. Speak Your Mind, But be Kind
You want to be honest with your partner. If they’re messy, and it’s bothering you, explaining that to them is better than having them try to figure out why you’re upset. But it’s also important to be kind in your explanation, to avoid hurt feelings and reduce conflict. Explaining that clutter makes you anxious or unable to relax, for example, may work much better than accusing your partner of making a mess or not caring about your feelings. By asking your partner to help you feel better at home, you’ll likely have a better outcome.
3. Pick a Space Where You Let Messy Happen
Ask your partner what space is important to them, that’s just theirs. They may have a closet where they store a lot of items, or they might take over the garage. Maybe they have a desk or an office where they work, game, or otherwise spend time. In that particular space, let your partner have their mess. Ideally, this will be a location where you can close the door and not see the mess, so it won’t bother you. Respecting your partner enough to let them have a space where they can be messy matters.
4. Appreciate the Good Things
Be sure you stop and take a look at all the good things you and your partner have in your life together. There’s so much more to your relationship than whether one of you is messy and the other one is neat. A number of other factors may have brought you together, such as shared hobbies, and you don’t want to forget about the value of those things. Appreciating the good things can make the little bit of mess in your home feel like a lot less of a problem.
5. Decide What is Non-Negotiable
Some things in life just aren’t negotiable, and it’s important for you to decide what those things are for you. If you absolutely can’t handle clutter on your bedroom floor, for example, make sure you’re clear about that when you talk to your partner. As long as you don’t try to control everything they do or every aspect of your home and life together, your partner should understand that there are some things you just really need from them. In turn, you’ll likely make compromises for them in other areas.
6. Don’t Forget That You and Your Partner are a Team
You and your partner got together for a reason, and committed yourself to one another. Don’t forget that you’re a team now, and figuring out issues together is a big part of that. When you live with a messy partner, it’s important to figure out how to make that work for both of you. Compromise is going to be necessary on both sides, because you’ll have concerns about clutter and your partner may have trouble understanding why it bothers you. By working on these things together you can make your relationship stronger and both be comfortable in your home.
7. The Bottom Line for Living With a Messy Partner
To recap, some tips to consider when you’re living with a messy partner include:
- Compromising so it’s fair to both of you
- Agreeing to disagree instead of arguing
- Appreciating all the good things you have together
- Being specific about what matters
- Determining what isn’t negotiable
- Remembering that you and your partner are a team
By following these tips and looking for common ground you and your messy partner can live together happily, even if you don’t see the issue the same way.
