Why is the laundry not folded?
Why are the breakfast dishes still in the sink at dinner time?
Why are all of the jars open?
Living with a messy partner can be one of the most frustrating things about your spouse. Sometimes it can seem like you just can’t get through to them. But messy and clean “odd couples” can work out, it just takes some work from both parties.
How To Live With A Messy Partner & Not Lose Your Mind
1. Be Very Specific About What Bothers You
Not only do you need to use “I” language with a messy partner — but you also need to explain things clearly.
Most messy partners truly can’t see the mess that they’re leaving around.
The reason they can be messy is because the clutter simply doesn’t bother them. So when you ask them to do something to fix it, it’s harder for them; they just don’t have the visceral reaction you do.
Try to outline things for them from a functional standpoint: “I prefer it if you wash the dishes immediately, because otherwise it will attract ants or cockroaches.”
2. Distribute the Chores Fairly Rather than Equally
Try not to get too caught up in what’s “equal”, try to focus on what’s “fair”.
Your partner may want to take turns doing the laundry or turns doing the dishes, because that’s “balanced.” In truth, though, there are some chores that people just hate and other chores that people enjoy. Distribute the chores fairly based on what’s easiest for the individual.
If someone enjoys yard work but hates laundry, it makes more sense to distribute the yard work to them. Likewise, if someone absolutely hates dishes, they may need to take up a couple smaller chores to make up for never doing the dishes. The important thing is that no one is doing significantly more work that they loathe.
3. Try Not to Get Irritated
As long as your partner is genuinely trying to help out, getting irritated is only going to cause animosity.
Rather than getting irritated when a chore isn’t done or a mess is made, treat it as a mistake and request that they fix it. Too often couples begin to treat their partner’s mistakes as intentional acts of aggression; with a messy partner, it very likely isn’t intentional at all. Instead, they simply cannot see the same mess that you do. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, but taking it in a more positive direction can help your mood as well.
4. Get Rid of the Excess
You can’t have clutter if you don’t own clutter, right?
One of the best ways to limit the amount of messes that a partner can make is simply to eliminate unnecessary items in your home. Dishes are a great example of this. If you constantly find that dishes aren’t getting done, one way to get into the habit of doing them is to put all dishes away except for a few that you use. This forces you to wash dishes on a regular basis because you simply don’t have enough of them to keep cycling through.
5. Create Positive Reminders
Some tasks, such as taking out the trash at the end of the night, can simply be forgotten.
Setting alarms on smartphones and other devices is a good way to remind yourself and your partner that it has to be done before you to go bed that night. You can even set up a system for alternating chores, so there’s never an argument regarding who is supposed to do something next.
6. Work With Them Rather than Against Them
Try to think from your partner’s point of view. Sometimes with someone who is absent-minded, it isn’t a matter of not wanting to do something; it’s a matter of forgetting altogether.
Often you can eliminate problems simply by altering the environment. For instance, if your partner tends to leave clothes on the bathroom floor, you might be able to resolve the problem by putting a hamper in the bathroom instead of the bedroom. Providing organizational tools can feel like a defeat, but as long as you aren’t “parenting” your partner in other emotionally exhausting ways, it may just be one of those little things done for the health of a relationship. That being said…
7. Try to Avoid Parenting Your Spouse
When you’re sick of tidying up after your spouse, you may end up parenting them instead of treating them as a partner.
Parenting occurs when you start feeling that they’re so irresponsible that they need to be taken through things step by step, and when you assume they are doing things incorrectly intentionally because they are lazy.
Remember: for the most part being messy isn’t some inadequacy; it’s a minor incompatibility. People live in different ways and grow up with different tolerances for mess. By approaching it with them rather than against them you can turn it into an exercise in bonding rather than a constant fight.
8. Teach your Children to Clean Up After Themselves
Dealing with children on top of a messy partner can be a hair-pulling level of frustration, but it can be somewhat mitigated by teaching kids to clean up after themselves.
Agree early on deciding the types of chores that you’ll teach children (such as picking up their toys, or bringing their cups and dishes into the kitchen), and make sure that you teach them these skills consistently. That way, even if you still have a messy partner, you don’t have messy kids.
9. Learn to Make Some Concessions
Acceptance can be a huge step if you can concede: my partner is disorganized, and I’m going to have to live with it. There may be some small concessions you have to make, such as letting them keep their personal office in disarray, or allowing them to leave their own clothes unfolded in their drawers. There are some things that truly just don’t bother messy people, and where it doesn’t directly impact you, you may just have to leave them be.
Are you living with a messy partner and need to vent? Tell us your craziest stories!
(Update: read part 2 of this post here)
I really can’t stand it anymore. I bring up several times over and over again various tasks that need to be done aroudn the house and he doesn’t do them. One of the only tasks he does with regularity is the dishes and not only does he wait till the absolute end of the day to do them, sometimes not even until the following day, but I mention almost every day that doing the dishes includes putting them away, cleaning the sink trap, and cleaning the sink. He doesn’t do it and I end up putting away the dishes every single day. I’m exhausted. I have a chronic illness and a sprained ankle. We have a newborn and I do most of the child care, he has done maybe 1-2 nightime feedings since she was born. No matter what I do nothing changes. I cry and cry but I don’t get a break. I never get anywhere or any of my life projects done because I am picking up things he could have merely put away in the first place. Trash he could have put in the garbage, clothes he left next to the hamper. He was very messy when we met and I told him I can’t live this way and he assured me he would learn to be cleaner. I move him to an apartment and he turns it into a pig stye. I never get a break and always feel like I’m on the clock.
So, I’m the messy one, and you are right, I genuinely don’t notice the mess and I absolutely loathe cleaning. My husband thinks he is much tidier, but in truth, hes not as good at cleaning as he thinks e.g. he leaves crumbs and mess on kitchen worktop, which I do notice and hate. So, I do clean the kitchen regularly. We have a dishwasher so that solves that issue, and we share emptying and filling it. I feel I have made concessions but he is always sweeping/hoovering the floor around me, tidying away paper from my office and re-squeegying the shower after I have been in it. This makes me feel criticised and parented and I’m not sure how to deal with this without blowing a gasket!
Hello Scott,
Your wife sound like my sister. All I do when I go to visit her is clean. I have done some reasearch and I think she may have ADHD and as a result, executive function disorder. This may help you understand her behaviour.
My husband is a disaster. His home was a mess from the day I met him. When we got serious I told him I couldn’t live this way and he said I wouldn’t have to. Well here I am almost 3 years later and it’s no different. Now I have my own home in another State close by and I do go there to get my bills and see certain doctors and I’ll stay home for a day or 2 to chill out then I go back and get so depressed again. We’ve talked I cried but things don’t change. I really don’t want to be without him but I’m in a real dilemma. I like everything to be neat clean and in its proper place. If it’s a little dusty or it needs to be vacuumed cause I missed a day that’s ok but you can’t even pass a vacuum here. I usually sit in the bedroom and cry. He’s the best husband so kind generous has money gives me money something I never had with my last husband who passed away. We were married 25 years and together 29 but he was bad with money and died leaving me destitute. We never owned a home. Now I meet a guy who will give me anything but a clean home. I’m embarrassed and we never have company. Please give me some advice. Thanks so much.
Hi Linda, Sending so much caring. I’m the messy one in my relationship, and it’s stressful knowing I’m letting my spouse down but it’s honestly so so difficult to change although I am giving it a major effort. The thing that came to mind when you mentioned your husband is generous with money–could you possibly hire third-party help into the situation? An organizer, cleaning service, or marriage/individual counselor?
Maybe hire someone to come in and help him organize it all, and then hire a housekeeper to keep it clean. Sounds like he has the money to do so. Doing this may have saved my second marriage. We are still good friends, but when I go to the house I am shocked by the horrendous hoarding.
Hi Scott, I’m not sure if you’ve received a response to your message in here, perhaps I just can’t see it. First of all, no one deserves to be in a relationship and feel like they’re doing all the work. It’s very common that we either at the beginning see what we want to see of people we love, and what they choose to show us; we blindly believe. After reading the whole page, I too realise that people who are messy cannot not see it, they are comfortable in it and I don’t know at what point it becomes too much even for them but for organised and tidy people like us it’s hard to watch even one dirty mug stay in the sink unwashed for more than 6 hours. Another thing I noticed is you mention if you wash your own things, she berates you! This does not sound healthy, she does not wash her hands? Again unhealthy, I fear these habits will be picked up by the children which will result in you doing all the work non stop. It’s a question of meeting in the middle if it is to that extent, if you’ve spoken, are there things she would be willing to do such as loafing the washing machine if you can hang it etc, or just how much mess can you cope with that isn’t harmful or unsightly, perhaps do the necessary cleaning of what is useful daily to function comfortably without going overboard and allow for certain things that she may decide to do, you risk being in a parent child dynamic whereby she does become more defiant and you more stressed. Can you set goals? Plans? Such as working together on things and being able to have a date night in a nice clean house one evening a week? I’m not sure, I’m not trained in this area but I’m someone with OCD finding it difficult when things are left where they shouldn’t be etc. I hope that helps though.
I’ve been with my wife for several years and when we met she was housing some family members and and her place was utterly disgusting (I was always cleaning it), when she traded in her car, they took out 6 bags of trash (from a Toyota Corolla). She doesn’t do any laundry, she doesn’t wash her hands when using the bathroom making dinner and no matter how many times I try to bring up issues to her it’s always something else or someone else’s fault (like her family’s fault living with her). I was sold on the idea of what she “used” to be like. If I’d be gone for the day on a weekend because “I deserved it” I would come home and the house would be in disarray, kids would be running amok and her and her mom would be watching TV on the couch. Anytime I try to talk to her I’m “gaslighting” and I don’t know what else to do. If I let nothing bother me I’m stuck cleaning all day. If I do the laundry but hers she will verbally berate me that she works and I don’t. Is this narcissistic behavior? I’m honestly contemplating leaving but I have no idea. I feel like I married someone based off what she pretended to be or what she said she was or “used to be” but in reality I’m seeing this is who she is or was all along and now with kids it was false advertising
I’ve been with my wife for several years and when we met she was housing some family members and and her place was utterly disgusting (I was always cleaning it), when she traded in her car, they took out 6 bags of trash (from a Toyota Corolla). She doesn’t do any laundry, she doesn’t wash her hands when using the bathroom making dinner and no matter how many times I try to bring up issues to her it’s always something else or someone else’s fault (like her family’s fault living with her). I was sold on the idea of what she “used” to be like. If I’d be gone for the day on a weekend because “I deserved it” I would come home and the house would be in disarray, kids would be running amok and her and her mom would be watching TV on the couch. Anytime I try to talk to her I’m “gaslighting” and I don’t know what else to do. If I let nothing bother me I’m stuck cleaning all day. If I do the laundry but hers she will verbally berate me that she works and I don’t. Is this narcissistic behavior? I’m honestly contemplating leaving but I have no idea. I feel like I married someone based off an advertisement and now with kids it’s like false advertising